Friday, 21 July 2017

Hole in my heart

Assalam aleikum, jummah mubarak :)

Here I am, once again, on the sofa with a cup of coffee. People in this building enjoy their Friday, playing music loud and Im sitting here like a sauerkraut.. :D No, seriously.

Its not that I woulndt be welcome. Actually there is a sisters night at mosque going on right now. I just cannot help myself. I was alone home so many years, that I just cannot push myself to go out there with people. Im only comfortable with my closest friends, and the rest of the time Im just alone. Dont know why, I know I would feel much happier around people.

Today is really an empty day. All I have is negative emotions and I feel kinda lost. I know Im not, but loneliness.. or the fears I have, keep pushing me down. Again, thinkin past things and maybe I just need to go through this. Maybe one year from now on, things will be totally different? In sha Allah.

I was totally, totally helplessly in love before. I loved from my whole heart and did everything he asked me. I tried to be the good girl and give half of my money, paid all rents, went to pick the weed, cooked his favourite african foods.. I tried to be cool, I tried to look beautiful, I tried to support and help any way I could. And now, after all that, I just feel so much anger. Why did I stay in such a depressing situation for so long? Why I believed every lie? Sometimes I feel I never can heal from this. I cannot even think my time in that city I was living. I was a ghost of myself, a livin dead. All I know, I will never go back to that. If I meet someone, with Allahs swt will, then I maybe can try again. But if I see any warning signals, Im gone. Im kinda tired of lessons. But same time I know, God will not give us such a burden we cannot handle.

Its not just sometimes so simple. And maybe Im not the ghost, maybe it was him. A ghost in my mind. But my mind is mine. So I will conquer it back, and one day the past can really be what it is, just learned lessons.

Peace, Aisha

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