Past few days Ive been working with my home and it looks really nice, alhamdulillah. Cleaning, washing, giving extra things away. Can do with so little, alhamdulillah. Ive given away everything I dont need, and I dont own anything I dont like, few exeptions still waiting under my bed, mostly not-important papers from past years, but anyway I feel very happy that mainly theres nothing unnecessary here. It helps me to relax, gives more space and storage space too, home is easy to keep clean and also its been good to put my extra energy to smthn useful. Ive put all extra to the garbage room at our buildings yard, and someones have kept taking them so its good, all go to use and same time its actually super easy way to get rid of things without just throwing them away. U can put the things in a plastic bag and leave in some corner near the door, for example.
But also Ive been stressed. Thats why the extra energy - it has been hard for me to relax. Im some way feeling again, or more ovbiously than usual, I dont belong and Im somehow in between.
It has lot to do with that my heart is longing abroad. Im happy and thankful of every day. But my mind, possibly my future is not here. Its not comparable, but something similar with islam, in a way. When I found islam, it was something so new but in the faith, message and teachings was a feel like coming home. Like I found something what I had always wanted to live and learn, what kind of meaning I had been searching for so long. An idea in my mind, but didnt know theres a way.
Jamaica had similar affection in me, again, in a way. Meeting the The person, meeting muslim sisters, even foods with thyme, my favourite, and climate, nature, cats, simple way of life and many, many more.. Evrything so new and never experienced before but same time a feel of beeing so comfortable and somehow familiar with all things, I enjoyed every moment. It felt so right to be there. And that man.. is a love story to be continued in sha Allah. A lot did happen, so a lot is to figure out. We all can be lost sometime, it happens. But life is a journey so its good to travel through it with someone who can be your best friend and never leave your side, and for someone u can share the same loyalty. In sha Allah. I kinda want to say the word connected to our plans but Ill keep it still for a while in my heart.
So yea, its not comparable, but these two life paths both make me feel a lot of peace and happiness, but also a lot of wondering thoughts. I know where I wanna be, but Im not even halfway. Dont know how, when, will it work out, what if I do a mistake or like apparently some people have said about me, "just keep messing my life". Astaghfirullah. Well, words we say and actions we do have a lot more effect than we think at the moment, all in all. Maybe it just is so that bigger changes in life makes us also strangers to our old selves. There is no new starts, or becoming a new person. We dont reborn. Its important to accept the past and move on, but learning from it also doesnt need to end after a while things have happened. We carry every incident and feels during difficult times inside us until the end of world. So we do also have that sweet chance to make a different approach when we see a situation bringing memories up and reminding us.
I have been in between. I have been outsider. Those times have teached me to trust Allah swt and trust myself so that if my feet are not firm, they will still carry me. I have learned vision and adaptivity. And most important lesson: it all will pass, its just a matter of time. Its part of human life, we have longing for what we dont have but need so bad. But I think theres no other way than go after our dreams, as far as we can. And Allah knows best.