I didnt sleep much last night, but alhamdulillah Ive relaxed all day. I try still to be up til fajr, and then tomorrow keep relaxing all evening in sha Allah, to get my sleeping rhytm right. I dont have many shifts left, so in June I can and will sleep finally alot, in sha Allah.
I was going to write earlier, or I mean, started at daytime. I took nice pics and was trying to keep my mood on plus. But yes, super anxious it was. I didnt want to make any opening up post, becose the things that give me anxiety right now are also things which I dont have an answer, and I dont feel like complaining about it, as it is a test from Allah swt. And Ive been telling my private issues to many many people, especially when I was really out of order, so that was enough. And many other things too in the past. Alhamdulillah.
Well, as I do have the urge to put my thoughts in some kind of form, Im just saying that as Ive been a muslim for three years now, and all Ramadans are special, but the coming one now feels even more special than before. This year I am healed, alhamdulillah. I dont have that kind of weights in my shoulders. Although I am very much lonely, and lonelier than ever, these days, when friends and families gather for iftaars.. mothers and wives have someone to cook for.. Alhamdulillah. Dont worry, no evil eye coming from me, I am genuinly happy for everyone, its not that Im jealous, more of a bit ashamed for not to have these things, becose its a lot of my own fault. And my friends, family and close ones, even small number, are so so sweet and supporting still. In sha Allah.. there is some good plans going on, just I pray so much to get from this point a to the point b. These days can feel very heavy.. heavy to even go outside. But as I used to write poetry and lyrics, my best texts were written with that heaviness present, so maybe this all will have a positive outcome after all. And without any extra weight like years before, I feel can carry this.
I cant completely shut down though, I do like to open up in some channel. Not complain, but open my thoughts. Its not necessarily a smart move, but I do think it might be intresting, and if not relatable, then at least can feel that hey at least Im far better than her.. :) I dont really care. Im always intrested how people really feel and how their life is like. U know, when u have come closer to someone, and they share something really honest and sincere for the first time? That is very precious, to be worth of that share, and as they might seem the weakest moments, even make us uncomfortable, they can be the moments of strenght too. Its not easy to be sincere, or not turn cynical. Like one of the sweeties said, "its a full day job just to be me". Hmm.
So I did have all the nice photos of today, and I looked them again now, maybe Ill share them and go cry miserably a bit, then tomorrow work again. No worry, this is gonna pass too, normal thing.
Almond oil, honey, lemon juice
Coffee crums and too much liquid..
.. saved with coconut flakes. Result = smooth and soft :)
Sometimes we grow a bit weird.
And sometimes we r gettin started.